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1.A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is in their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,'Get the kid.'
2.Two blondes went to the market. While they were there, they each bought a horse. When they got home, they discussed how to tell their horses apart. They decided to cut the tail off of one. That worked for a while, but soon the tail grew back, so they decided that they would break one of the horses' legs. One of the blondes said, "Which of the horses should we break the leg off of, the brown one or the white one?"
3.There was a blonde that was so sick of blonde jokes she died her hair red. The jokes stopped and she felt so good, she took a ride in the country one Saturday afternoon. While on this ride, she noticed a flock of sheep and stopped the car to take in their beauty. She noticed the farmer just standing there watching too. She walked up to him asked some questions on raising sheep. She then asked, "If I can guess how many sheep are in your flock, can I have one"? The farmer agreed. She guessed, 387. The farmer said that was correct. So, go take your pick on which one you want. She went into the flock and then to her car. The farmer stopped her, and asked, "If I can guess what your natural hair color is, can I have my DOG back"?
4.Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder. Q: How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb? A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight. Q: How many Management Information Services guys does it take to change a light bulb? A: MIS (IT) has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request number 359712. Please use this number for any future references to the light-bulb issue.
5.Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away. The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone. A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."
6.One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall. On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.'The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.' My husband looked up and said, 'Mom's here?'
7.Mother: Freddie, why is your face so red? Freddie: I was running up the street to stop a fight. Mother: That's a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting? Freddie: Me and Jackie Smith.
8.What do men and beer have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
9.What is the thinnest book in the world? "What men know about women."
10.Revealing Gift Test Which gift would you like? To determine your personality, pick the gift you"d most like to receive.
11.A guy walks up to a girl in the bar and asks her if she wants to play magic. She asks, "How so?" He replies, "We go to my house, we screw and then you disappear!" you were the only one here with brakes A truck driver came upon a couple making passionate love in the middle of the road. He blew his horn, blinked his lights and yet the couple never missed a stroke! The driver stopped, got out and shouted at them, "Are you crazy, didn't you here my horn, see my lights, didn't you know I was coming?" The horny young man said, "Yes, I knew you were coming! I knew she was coming and I knew I was coming! I also knew you were the only one here with brakes!"
12.FLOWERS It means that... You love the beauty of nature, the scent of flowers and appreciate this timeless romantic gesture. OR You get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation wither and die.